Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
