you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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