I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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