you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
