I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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