New invention idea: vibrating tampons
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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