he shaved USA in his pubs
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
