he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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