I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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