ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
