you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
