we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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