I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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