She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Text me some of your sweat
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
