Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
