dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
