I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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