Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
50% drunk capacity currently
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
