The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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