She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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