I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
