remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think your dad took our porno
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
