Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
