nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
