I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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