I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize