oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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