i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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