What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
