don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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