just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
