i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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