I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
