i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
