I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
