"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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