this beer tastes like vomit already
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This is my gift to your gina
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Randomize
