walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
