listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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