Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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