I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
