just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
