Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
