I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
