I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
