Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
3pm strippers are depressing
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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