Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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