I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
