her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
