so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You have to summon your inner elephant
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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