it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
