God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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