Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
