Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
