I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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