I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
