she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize