And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
