Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
