so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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