Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
